Why do we work so hard?
Why do we bother to love or hate or make absurdly popular music in 4/4 time? Why do we buy new shoes, wash our underwear and berate our fellow humans with our heartfelt, but poorly constructed political views?
Why did we go to the moon?
To watch someone hit a golf ball in low gravity?
Hell no. Well, kinda.
The reason we do anything is because we’re all going to die.
That’s right. Die.
Even if you’re like me and have plans of immortality via a cryogenic facility hidden in your parent’s basement, the world is eventually going to end.
The world is going to end because someday the sun is going to become an old man and do exactly what old men do … explode. And that’s the end of the earth. And you and me and all our stuff.
The world was supposed to end well before that.
In 2012. In an apocalyptic event known as Ragnarok.
Ragnarok? Wasn’t that some kids TV show with puppets?
Yes it was. But it was also a battle that killed a whole lot of Norse gods. You know, like that guy Thor. After that, the entire planet gets waterboarded.
I know. It’s starting to sound really cool. And dangerous.
Only one man stood between us and the Norse apocalypse. Thomas Edison.
I’m sorry. JOHN HODGMAN.
Determined to save mankind, this Hodgman guy created HUNDREDS of Ragnarok Survival Kits.
In the end, as shocking as this might sound, Hodgman was wrong.
Actually a dude named Snorri Sturluson was wrong.
But I digress.
The world has not ended. Yet. So there’s plenty of time to stroll home after work, stop at Internet cafés, go online and BUY STUFF.
Stuff like … a SURPLUS RAGNAROK SURVIVAL KIT.
ARGUABLY USEFUL and DEFINITELY FOR SALE.
They include an extended DVD of John Hodgman’s RAGNAROK special, with additional comedy, songs, and special appearances by Andrew Sullivan, Tom Scharpling, and Ira Glass.
AN ENGRAVED URINE FLASK
JOHN HODGMAN’S CONSCIOUSNESS, EMBEDDED ON A CUSTOM THUMB DRIVE (I am sure he’s telling the truth.)
SAMPLES OF JOHN HODGMAN’S DNA (No comment.)
A NON-IRONIC UNISEX COLOGNE
And that’s why you only take five days off a year from work. Because you work hard, you create your own luck and you make minimum wage.
And the world is not ending.
And you need more stuff.
Visit your local Ragnarok Survival Kit dealership for a test drive: